Make You Feel My Love

My family is particularly poignant about their sentiment that unless I live within driving distance from them I cease to function as "part of the family". This is very puzzling (not to mention hurtful) to me because plenty of families live apart; different towns, states, timezones, countries, hemispheres.
I used to think I could change anything I wanted to - that I had the power and faith to move mountains, save the world. I'm wondering these days if it's more appropriate to pick and choose battles - that I can't in fact change everything, that maybe I shouldn't want to. Living in the woods teaches you - the only thing you can change is yourself- and living in the city supports that. Because really, we all have to be the change we want to see... right?
I don't think life is easy for anyone. We're all faced with choices, some feel open wider about options than others- but when you get down to it - choosing is tough. And this whole process of becoming an independent adult... what to wear, where to work, how to live, whom to love - laden with choices, big and small along the way. I would never claim that I make impeccable choices. My heart falls for hopeless romances, my questing takes me to desolate lonely places, my professional passions barely pay minimum wage, and the belts on my car squeal for at least a minute when I first turn it on. This is who I am. These are parts of myself and my life. I got myself here, and a lot of other people fueled the process. I try to do the best I can with what I'm given - I think we all do - but the thing to understand is that's very relative.
You're doing the best you can with what you're given - or anyways... I hope you are. It's all a question of how you process this, or realization : what are you given? What is the best thing to do with that?
That's the thing about bashing other people's life choices - how do you know if you had what they have to work with you'd be so very different?
How does my family know if they had a heart, head, spirit, and passion that I do that they would stay in the Virginias living impeccably conventional traditional lives?
I have no logical explanation for my journey, all I can offer is that I am sensitive to the movement- and believe in following your heart. Every time Jesus performed a healing miracle he immediately told the healed person to move - to go. I mean if we're LIVING the life God intended we're living in motion. Stability is one thing - stagnancy is another. It is my intention and desire to forbid stagnancy in my life.
In a life of movement, there is constantly a factor of heartache and disappointment from those that love you. But I believe I move when God tells me to; I drop the wedding photography job to work at Alta Mons, I move out of my Grandin Apt to hike the Appalachian Trail, I drive to British Colombia to see fall foliage and rocky mountain majesties, I house my divorced friends' furniture while she splits town to sort through heartache.

My favorite bible verse is John 6:15 "Perceiving then that they were about to come and take him by force to make him king, Jesus withdrew again to the mountain by himself."
I like the idea that even Jesus - the most divine creature to walk this earth withdrew from crowds to solitude on a mountain.
I do not know how long I'll stay in Montana. I do not know when I'll be in the Eastern Time Zone again - but I'm not particularly worried about that. This time in Montana is more clearly shaping into my withdrawal to the mountain myself, alone.

And being alone is lonely. Being alone gets you thinking, processing, figuring. Being on a mountain gives you a different perspective, a removed overlooking perspective.

Jesus doesn't come back to the disciples from his mountaintop withdrawal until they are on a rough sea and he walks across it, asking of their faith.

I wonder how he was recharged from his mountaintop, I wonder what he thought about, I wonder what his perspective was, to return to those he loved in such a bold fierce way?

I have never traveled anywhere that decreases my love for my family and friends. If anything those relationships feel strengthened by the distance, stripped of convenience and polished to reveal the brilliance of genuine compassion and concern.

So- you can see how confusing and hurtful it would be for people to tell me that because I'm not geographically near them I am choosing to not be part of them. And frankly- it's selfish to ask someone not to do the best they can with what they're given; to move, to seek. No one writes our story but ourself- and no one knows what's best for you - better than you- and every day we have to be the change we hope to be and there's nowhere that's more clear than a mountain.

So here I sit, in a financially relationally stripped humble existence, figuring, asking, seeking.
I think the answer will be given. I believe the door will be opened. I think this wait will be worth while.

To my family and friends- you may be on a boat in rough seas when I return- but I will - someday. Be not afraid, have a little faith. Understand I love you endlessly.

Support Bones

If you've been reading this for awhile - you know who Bones is. If you forget he's a brilliant vibrant baby raptor. I mean... he's one of my best friends, traveling companions, and favortie musicians. He recently released some original tracks, you should check em out. Even buy a few if you find you can't live without them.

http://andrewbones.weebly.com/

25

For my birthday I am interested in becoming ... okay... dressing... like a lumberjack or a 80s euro motorcyclist.
Silly - I realize - but the fashionista in me seems to be blossoming with this college town / barista life.
I've spent this holiday doing all of my favorite Thanksgiving holiday things; road trip through the mountains, brilliant music, dinner with loved ones, door buster Black Friday shopping, pizza lunch, and cheesey Christmas movies. On top of all of that, I mixed in some napping, a bath, and lots of phone time.
The only issue is - I wasn't with any of my amazing family, and most of my friends are out of Missoula for the holiday. This Birthday has been very mellow and solitary, but I guess I'd pick that over working any day.
On my way home from the mall today I swung by my P.O. Box and found a card from my grandfather. My family (especially my Mom and Grandpa) have a really hard time understanding or supporting my life in Montana. But I was surprised to read this.

Life Legacies
Thoughts for my Granddaughter on her Birthday
LIVE DEEP
Never stop learning, playing, or finding wonder in the world around you. Live the length of your life, but live the depth of it as well.
TRAVEL LIGHT
There is no use in carrying around worry and regret. They only weigh you down. Always keep yourself open to hope and to love. They give us wings.
FORGIVE IMPERFECTIONS
in yourself and others. Imperfections keep things interesting. They're the cracks where the light shines through.
OWN BEAUTIFUL THINGS
and not just in the drawer, tucked away for a perfect day. Surround yourself with things that make you happy, that remind you of the beauty all around us if we only keep our eyes open to it.
MAKE MISTAKES
follow detours. Sometimes it takes an unexpected an unexpected turn to help us find the life that is waiting for us around the bend. Trust yourself and the path that is meant for you.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
(penned in by my Grandpa... as no one else can) And sometimes that means you need the ice cream. Be good to your body, but also to your mind and spirit. You're the only one who can.
AND ALWAYS ALWAYS KNOW YOU ARE LOVED
you are a gift to this world and a blessing to me. And that will never change.
Love, your Grand-Pa

So- I'm happy to report that I'm pretty sure I do all of those things. As I read the card and saw those beautiful feelings in writing - and realized that that IS how I live my life I was quite pleased.

I'm thinking I should work at a college or run a camp. I'm thinking as long as I'm poor I might as well take out loans and continue with my education.

I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving and are kicking off the holidays season with all of your favorite people and traditions.

Saturday Night Fever... Trailhead Style

I toss chopped tates (po tatoes) in a skillet with Greek Marinade, let them soften up. I toss in yellow pepper, kidney beans, and let it all blend together with the fresh ground salt and pepper. Original recordings of Woodie Guthrie twang and bounce off the warm glowing faux wood paneled walls. Geronimo and Tikka have put themselves to bed. When my concoction is ready I grate feta cheese over my steaming bowl. Dinner with a side of Bluegrass- yes please.
Hillary is out with her boyfriend and others, doubting I'm sure, that I'll meet them downtown. Emily just walked through the door - home from her first Missoula Maulers hockey game.
I've waited years to have a home to myself, and ever since I've moved in here and acquired furniture I think of a lot of reasons to hang at home instead of go out. In fact I even printed some photos and ... taped them... to the walls of our living room the other night (I know, that's far less sexy than HANGING photos on the wall, but one step at a time).
I remember all the fun times Hillary and I had sneaking away from Field Camp this summer, and I think ... "you should get it together, put on some boots and a dress, and dance it up tonight".
I think about work today and how it'll feel early rolling into Southgate Mall at 9:30 tomorrow. We're already making big plans for Sunday, since it's the first one I don't have to work in a few weeks. We'll probably hit up one of the oldest churches around Missoula - St. Xavier Cathedral.
So with sleeping dogs, a full belly, Emily dipping into her hot cocoa canister, opening her book Captivating, and harmonica on my laptop speakers - downtown will probably have to wait for a night that feels more "weekend" to me.
Boring and lame? Maybe. But I feel very very content =)

National Geographic

SOOO
National Geographic is airring their special on the Appalachian Trail Tuesday November 10 6pm EST.
It looks like it'll be pretty good... especailly since my friends are in it. Most of it was shot in 2008, and the Katahdin summit footage was shot the same day I climbed the mountain, a few hours before I was on top.
I know you guys have been peeping my pictures and writing... but I'm sure I haven't even tipped the iceberg of all that is - the A.T.
So check out the show.
I'm not sure where I'll find cable to watch... any volunteers to record it for me? =)

Captivating

Thick stormy blue clouds hover just over the western mountains, seperating them between the dusky sky. They look like clouds I saw so many nights around Glacier this summer - dark, deep, gargantuan ... over Lake McDonald or the Middle Fork of the Flathead River.
We have quite a few picture windows in our home, and moments like these I'm not sure if I should bask in the view beyond the glass or savor what's on my side - The warm glow and candles and lamp light against wood walls. Emily, Tikka, and Geronimo all curled up, napping, on Kristin's futon, while a load of drying laundry tumbles in the background. Quiet - peaceful - like a Christmas Carol in the dead of winter.
It's dark so early these days. Almost 6, almost dark. SUCH a stark difference to our 11pm dusks in Glacier this summer. Sometimes I think we have a long cold dark winter ahead of us. Sometimes I'm excited for that.
After two days of wandering through passing storm clouds, wind whipped prarie lands, mountaintops, and the corners of my heart I thought I might sit to write - unload a bit. But sitting here and typing here I realize that's not where I'm at.
I climbed up, over, and down my first mountain since May on our family adventure today. To watch clouds race shadows over a landscape, have feathery larch needles shed in my fingers, and see the whole glacial lake missoula valley where I live... made me love Montana. Love mountains. Love the journey.
But at home now I realize I have little understanding of love and there is little to unload.
Just the blues of dusk, the glow of small lights, grunting dogs, and two captivating available women.
It is what it is.

Pumpkin

My bedroom is pungent with the smell of the "pumpkin Carnival" candle flickering on Kristin's beautiful dresser. Hazelnut lingers in the kitchen , the scents colliding somewhere in the living room. My second load of laundry for the night (and month) tosses around in the dryer.
Emily and I seem to be one futon pad short of a bonafide furnished home. How strange. Looking around, everything still seems to be Kristin's... just hanging out at my house... but I imagine sometime when I'm wearing freshly laundered clothes and serving Dacia breakfast off the kitchen table it'll start to feel part mine too. She's headed to Alaska Friday, with her Dad, and fresh perspective on M.O.T.H. (matters of the heart, that is).
My first weekend on Idaho St Dacia bussed up from Butte and we camped out- with nothing- on the living room floor. The next weekend I ran away to British Columbia. This "weekend" aka being off Tuesday and Wednesday have proven very domestic - took my first bath in the new place, cleaned, acquired furniture, paid all the bills, even hooked up a washer and dryer - much of that with help from friends.
Dacia's headed up again for Halloween Festivities =D Perrrrffeeeccctttt. I'm almost done with my outfit- Princess Lolly from the game Candyland.
Emily and I made a deal - October is for moving in and getting settled - November is for getting established. She reminded me tonight I have to get serious about my freelancing in the month to come.
I've recently picked up an old college habit- checking music out from the library. My freshman year at Emory & Henry I consumed music, I seem to be easily falling back to that- which brightens my day - lately almost every CD I skip home with is bluegrass - what can I say ? Appalachian at heart - always. But Low sent me some new tunes, and Jeremiah Johnson intends to (as soon as he unpacks some of his moving boxes).
And so it is- this wandering girl is stretching some roots...
November should be a pivotal month. My Mom told me tonight a 25th birthday is my biggest age milestone until 50. I guess I hadn't thought of it like that, I'm a bit more freaked out for 30. BUT if it must be a big deal... here I am, an accomplished long distance hiker and far reaching dreamer. I still have many more dreams to work towards- but I feel good about all my years. I hope my Grandma would be proud of me. November is a month for her, and me, and Thanksgiving, and family. Hard to say what I'll do for my favorite holiday this year, but I'm working that super important 25th birthday =/ Hahaha. Guess that's what you get for growing up - selling Patagonia clothes at the mall on Black Friday.
But for now, there are soft places to lay, elevated spots to sit, and cozy smells all around. One day at a time- and these days are for Pumpkins =)