Sunday, December 6, 2009

Waiting Rooms, a Crash Course

I'm holed up in a coffee shop in the ski town of Whitefish Montana. The 3 ish hour drive north from Missoula was scattered with snow, talk of government affairs and Tribal money, waterfalls in the Mission Mountains and wildhorses on Flathead Lake islands.
Montana is so complex. So beautiful.
I've come here to study and work while Emily and Josh ski big mountain. It's 10 degrees outside in the sun, and windy. Thank God =) Winter.
Winter is different in Montana than anywhere else I've experienced it - and I find myself craving that - needing a shift in seasons to feel grounded, and on time.
Paper star lanterns, and garland strung with Christmas lights adorns the front of this espresso bar. They served me a piping hot glass of Mayan Mocha, and here I stay, delved into sentence analogy drills and the treasure hunt of reading comprehension.... five pages into "Math Vocabulary: Numbers" I had to take a break...

Sometimes this all feels rash - sudden- crazy. Maybe it always is.... I mean... can I really pull off being in grad school, investing in a reasonable paying career and on my way to achieving life goals by fall? Test in a few weeks? Application packet in a month?
I take a deep breath... clear my head and heart... and attempt focus - on something positive, something constructive.

Truth? It seems like a ludicrous unrealistic plan - that's why it just might work.

Hahaha... for better or worse I'm an insatiable dreamer, it gets me into pickles, and it boosts my brilliance. I really believe if I follow my heart and trust God things will work out. I don't understand the process, I can't crunch numbers, and I'm not sure I'm capable of a long term plan. But maybe dreams are closer to plans than most grounded folks realize.
The idea of being surrounded by peers studying counseling is humorous and fabulous.
I wonder why I can't just pick ONE profession, one town to live, charm one man to love me. Maybe someone can explain this to me.
Maybe all of it will fall through and I'll continue to pull espresso shots in a basement in Montana for years, hanging with the pups, with no one putting their hand over my heart.
But that's the beauty of all of it - when you got nothing you've got nothing to lose. And when your waiting room is as awe inspiring as this wintry mountain landscape .... what's a few more unanswered questions?

Everything I wondered about - all of the basic primal things - while living in the woods were answered in time. If only I keep moving and walking.

I am SO thankful to have completed the 2,175 mile walk of the A.T. It taught me that it doesn't matter a helluva lot what's going on right now... I just keep moving through it, and things fall into place.

Being able to accept grace and blessing without understanding is one of my favorite qualities in a lifestyle and a person.

So maybe that's really what I'm after - grace, blessing, and laughter.

If that makes me an insatiable dreamer - so be it. If that leads to a life of disappointment - I'm willing to gamble on that.


Anonymous said...

Ah... Whitefish! That is hottie central! Back in the day when I lived up there us single girlies would go to Whitefish for the hot guys! Serious.

I know your blog was serious and of course that is what I thought of. But you can't help what pops in your head!?


Rebekah said...

Duh- what kind of "awe" did you think I was talking about ;)