Saturday, February 13, 2010

Soft and Grey

Winter is a sleepy time. Clouds cover this Missoula valley 28 out of 31 days a month, diffusing soft grey light. Coniferous shapes of black trees pose stark contrast against a thin blanket of snow. My view. The mountains set against an out of focus sky, and I begin to wonder if I exist in a diffused monochromatic world.
"The sky is grey, and the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. And I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way." ~Ani Difranco
Oddly enough, this isn't entirely depressing. It is enough to be here, going through this. It never feels permanent, just definitively solitary. It is almost fantastical- like the color being drained from "The Wizard of Oz". Things are that way... because for now... they need to be, and perhaps my time in Montana is meant to understand this. To understand what it means to FEEL my way through life's seasons.
I don't even need to crunch my tax numbers to know that I'm broke. Or to thumb through my date book to know I spend more time with dogs than people. Or to step on a scale to process the stagnant insulation my body has acquired the past four months. My current existence is not the cheery vibrant Munchkin Land.
But for the first time in a while- I don't need it to be.
"Ah cause nothin is lost, it's just frozen in frost, and is opened in time..." ~Damien Rice
There are voices - dreaming churning voices, that beg me... follow up on that job offer, call that man, apply to graduate school just as back up, get in your car right now and just leave - leave it all. They serve as motivation, propelling me through this sleepy grey tunnel.
As far as I see though, I am in the midst of this tunnel, hand over hand, walking slow but deliberate - forward. Towards more grey - with the firm conviction - somewhere , a few steps further, there will be light.
And I know I'm doing a poor job of explaining it - but I'm thankful for the tunnel, thankful for the winter. I know I am growing up because I feel myself stretching through the freeze and thaws of my life.
Low told me the other day he and Bones came to the conclusion (and he meant this in the most positive way possible) that it's hard to care about much of anything these days. Striking me as complacent indifference I thought over this lots... and I've come to realize- it's true. Winter settles in for a season, families and friends grow and change, jobs shift, sometimes you give money and gifts, sometimes you receive money and gifts. This is just all part of life. Nothing to be alarmed or stressed about.
I mean- God's got it.
So why worry? Why wallow?
In the meantime... I would appreciate prayers of direction and light for my life. I've applied to many different directions and would like to take a turn through this tunnel in a direction leading to light and vibrancy. I know that will come when the time is right, but at the very least, it's an excuse for you to sit down and have a God chat =)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Saturday Snippet

Life has been pretty mellow lately. It seems I've finally got the knack of pulling espresso shots, steaming milk, and understanding what flavor does to a beverage .... now cooking actual meals for myself once I'm home is another story. Why is it that when you work 40 hours a week... the LAST thing you'll do when you get home is whatever you do at work... whether it's cook, clean dishes, fold clothes, or even counsel people?
Having Emily and Tikka back in the house is a warm change of pace from the beginning of January. Despite all of this I get a little stir crazy - wanting to move through physical and geographic space, and feeling financially stifled. Hopefully my Virginia venture in a few weeks will appease my appetite for motion.
I took a drive through the bitterroots today after walking around Blue Mountain with Em and Tik. Different mountains gleamed in a sunlight breaking through clouds. Forty degree weather seemed to beg the barter of $2 tip money for 2 McDonald's ice cream cones.... Geronimo eats his SO fast...
I saw familiar places where I slept mere months ago. I thought about the friends that guided me through that life chapter, smiling at ragged peaks and quilted relationships.
Home again home again I crawled into bed ... Mo quick to follow.
It is a quiet, simple, almost comfortable life we lead.

Snuggled under sheets, down, quilts, and my favorite dog, Bones' music soothes me from the inside-out.

I highly recommend welcoming him into your home.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Goodnight Wednesday.

Geronimo snores, laying on top of my feet. Borrowed music plays from my itunes. My hair is damp from a late night shower and I'm thinking coffee time will come far too early tomorrow. Sorry for the lack of writing lately. I've been feeling a little verbally exhausted from cover letters and resume revamps, but I hope the effort pulls in great results soon.
I've been trying to ski as much as possible since Emily's return to Missoula. I went twice this past weekend .... pretty sure I used/pulled dormant muscles trying to "herringbone" up a hill on my XC skis. going uphill on something slippery? not the most fun thing. But the scenery was great, company charming, and Tikka and Geronimo were VERY happy frolicking through the University of Montana's experimental forest.
I'm hoping to return to Glacier soon for another XC adventure. This weekend however may manifest itself to townie time with my best bud Dacia =) Always an adventure in and of itself.
I hope you are well. I hope this new year is bringing you beautiful moments. I hope to write more soon.