Saturday, February 13, 2010

Soft and Grey

Winter is a sleepy time. Clouds cover this Missoula valley 28 out of 31 days a month, diffusing soft grey light. Coniferous shapes of black trees pose stark contrast against a thin blanket of snow. My view. The mountains set against an out of focus sky, and I begin to wonder if I exist in a diffused monochromatic world.
"The sky is grey, and the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. And I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way." ~Ani Difranco
Oddly enough, this isn't entirely depressing. It is enough to be here, going through this. It never feels permanent, just definitively solitary. It is almost fantastical- like the color being drained from "The Wizard of Oz". Things are that way... because for now... they need to be, and perhaps my time in Montana is meant to understand this. To understand what it means to FEEL my way through life's seasons.
I don't even need to crunch my tax numbers to know that I'm broke. Or to thumb through my date book to know I spend more time with dogs than people. Or to step on a scale to process the stagnant insulation my body has acquired the past four months. My current existence is not the cheery vibrant Munchkin Land.
But for the first time in a while- I don't need it to be.
"Ah cause nothin is lost, it's just frozen in frost, and is opened in time..." ~Damien Rice
There are voices - dreaming churning voices, that beg me... follow up on that job offer, call that man, apply to graduate school just as back up, get in your car right now and just leave - leave it all. They serve as motivation, propelling me through this sleepy grey tunnel.
As far as I see though, I am in the midst of this tunnel, hand over hand, walking slow but deliberate - forward. Towards more grey - with the firm conviction - somewhere , a few steps further, there will be light.
And I know I'm doing a poor job of explaining it - but I'm thankful for the tunnel, thankful for the winter. I know I am growing up because I feel myself stretching through the freeze and thaws of my life.
Low told me the other day he and Bones came to the conclusion (and he meant this in the most positive way possible) that it's hard to care about much of anything these days. Striking me as complacent indifference I thought over this lots... and I've come to realize- it's true. Winter settles in for a season, families and friends grow and change, jobs shift, sometimes you give money and gifts, sometimes you receive money and gifts. This is just all part of life. Nothing to be alarmed or stressed about.
I mean- God's got it.
So why worry? Why wallow?
In the meantime... I would appreciate prayers of direction and light for my life. I've applied to many different directions and would like to take a turn through this tunnel in a direction leading to light and vibrancy. I know that will come when the time is right, but at the very least, it's an excuse for you to sit down and have a God chat =)

1 comment:

Linda Lee said...

Hey PenMar AT/Montana Girl,

Someday you will wonder why you even wanted to change the way of life you are living now. Sit back and enjoy every second.

Smile when you are sad. Quickly laugh after you cry. Walk when you should run. Eat while you can. Oh heck... just live. It is your life and God is watching after you every second. He knows every hair on your head.

OK enough... I love you Kido!

Got your snail mail what a sweet surprise. You rock!

Still watching the SNOW melt here in Maryland... Ugh!

Linda Lee
Your PenMar Family

PS the word verification on your site today is laterock :>)