Sunday, January 18, 2009

Left Behind

I'm sitting on my Grandmother's couch drinking tea. The tea-before-bed-thing started my last summer at Alta Mons. With cicadas, friends, bobcats, and a hint of romance in the damp Appalachian night, tea was the claire de lune of the day. This couch sat in at least three of my grandmother's houses I can think of. The house has sold, she's passed on; a sleeper sofa, birthstone ring, and more memories than I can count are left to me.

Life twists and turns in ways we never imagine. Going through my bible study on Esther tonight I found myself amazed at Persian custom and wondering what she did during her "one night with the king" to "find favor in his eyes". It was hard for me not to think about the obvious implications of this sleep over. My bible study asks me to write a paragraph in Esther's diary after her first day as queen, feasts in her honor, and being tucked in by a maidservant... I scribble "how did my life come to this? what now?"

I read it back to myself- realizing I'm not writing in Esther's diary, maybe I'm just writing in my own.

I wonder if I'd read the story different if I didn't feel estranged spiritually. I wonder if I'd read the story different if I was coming from a wholesome romantic background. Last week's major point (for me anyway) "you cannot amputate your past from your purpose". As Low would say - food for thought- I'll help with the dishes (although I'm still not sure what that last part means).

I've found a couple of promising job opportunities this week. My bank account grows hungrier and bleaker and I try to fight the urge of depressed acceptance of my current circumstances.

Phew. I wrapped up the fourth out of five days of bible study homework. I flip through scripture instead of calling someone I love who will not find me.
Tea, I think.
I drink, hold, smell a comfort and wholesomeness of a once vibrant moving yet steadfast life. I wonder if God will use these mementos of a life left behind as instruments I always needed to fulfill my purpose. Curious about the orphan exile he made a queen, do I ask or hope I get a glorious transformation too.


For now- the best thing I can come up with is to drink tea. Perhaps the rest falls into place?

1 comment:

Linda Lee said...

Sweet Rebekah, drinking tea in the comfort of your memories of your Grandmother. How sweet the tea must be.

Keep the faith. So pleased that you rely on God in all walks of your life.

Love from your PenMar Friend,
Linda Lee